There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
