Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
