oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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