i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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