it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
