I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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