Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
