Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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