I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
