R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
