I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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