I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
