how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
