Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
