just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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