you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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