life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
