I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
