I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
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She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
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Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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