It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
