Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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