I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
