It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
