My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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