even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
