I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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