My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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