If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
