Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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