The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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