I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
