are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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