I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
