That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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