Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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