I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
