omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
