she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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