Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
