I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
