I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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