Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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