I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
