I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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