Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
