The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you win again, gameday.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
