Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
