I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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