just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
