saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
