i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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