matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
