I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
