it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just high enough for therapy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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