woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
His nipple licking is glorious
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