Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
