last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
